Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Look at me. I will never pass for a perfect bride... or a perfect daughter

Writer- a person who commits their thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. to writing.

According to this, we are all, by definition writers. Each and every insignificant post about dating, school, food, shoes, etc. defines us as such, but what does it really mean to "commit." What does it mean to be a writer?
I have always believed I had captured the essence of truly writing. I have myriads of files on my computer that contain words that have flown freely in moments of divine inspiration. I have written about love, anger, frustration, work and even my hair, but when it comes to letting you in, letting the blogging world in, I am at impasse. Perhaps I am doing something wrong. Maybe I lack the honest glimpses into my life that so many others willingly share. There's even a chance that my life is just too dull to be entertaining to anyone but myself. Either way, I find myself eagerly pressing the "NEW POST" button only to sit starring in anxious uncertainty about what to write. How do you share your soul with people you don't even know? Where is the line of too personal and how do you know when it's been crossed? I lack the patience to edit every photo I take and to be frank I lack to desire to take very many pictures. Does this minute character flaw mean no one cares to read what I write? Do I need to turn up the sarcasm and turn down the sincerity? Do I need more sincerity and fewer silly stories? Are people interested in the silly stories and not the journal entries? Who am I blogging for after all?
It would be a blatant lie if I were to say I don't yearn for followers. It's possible that I am a self conscious weasel seeking approval and popularity by the number of people that blog stalk me, but mostly I just want to have that 'blog connection' with others. I love when people leave comments. I feel victorious when someone says, "I was reading your blog..." and I am encompassed by pride when I see someone new has discovered these Chronicles. Is that wrong? Am I writing for myself anymore? I really don't know. I don't know what to change if anything and I don't know if I can. For now I will continue to commit my innermost thoughts to my personal journals. Someday that might change. Someday I might write something without fear of offence or ridicule. "Offence and ridicule" maybe that's the problem.
I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid to become translucent. I am terrified that people will see who I am, the person that lies behind the smile and big hair, and they won't like her. I don't trust the people I associate with enough to tell them the stories that lie in the hidden caverns of my heart, so why would I let a group of people I hardly know in on my secrets? Am I in the wrong?

What does it take to be a writer?


  1. you know i read your blog. and love it. :)

  2. I think this is a perfect time for an introduction, I'm Linds! I read your blog and I adore every sincere post and every story! I think you are fantastic. And when I read this, "How do you share your soul with people you don't even know?" I think, you don't know me, but when you've been sincere and shared little bits of your life with me I know that it's helped because your honesty has helped me to know I'm not the only one.

    So thanks, really