I have made a (hopefully) permanent decision.
I’m not like you. I’m not even like me; at least not the “me” that you see. I’m just over average height with a long, barrel ribbed torso and short legs recently defined with muscle from my uptake of running. With chiseled calves, I find my lowers legs the envy of my friends and gym buddies. I have been well endowed with a chest that is both a curse and a blessing. I will never fit in a size small shirt unless I want to look like a hooker, and I’m much too modest for such things. I have a thick mane of long hair that has been well trained and is usually well kept. With a shade of red that you can’t even find in a bottle, I feel defined by how rare it is and the luster that is often the center of flattery.
This is what you see.
Behind the toothy smile and boisterous laugh is a girl standing on the edge of womanhood and clinging to the remains of childhood innocence. She has bad days. She has bad weeks. Sometimes she wakes up and wants nothing more than to turn back the clock. She has done things that she can’t take back and wishes she could. There are days were she laughs only to keep from crying. Underneath the sharp sarcasm and witty comebacks is blaring vulnerability.
She pines for perfection.
If she isn’t liked by everyone it’s some fault of her own. She looks to surround herself with people that are pretty, talented, and popular, but finds herself feeling less esteemed among men because of it. A façade of confidence and vivacious energy graces every word and action. Inside she is afraid and she is insecure.
What if in comparison to others she falls short?
What if she isn’t good enough?
On the outside everyone assumes she is put together. Her role in life’s grand scheme is simply a part she has found herself cast into. On the inside she is a kaleidoscope. She feels disappointment, frustration, and embarrassment. Her skills with time management are lacking, but she always finds time to accomplish what she wants. The untidiness of her room matches the mayhem inside of her mind and her sense of time is askew. She calls it being “fashionably late.” As an unintentional pacifist, she won’t put up a fight unless you threaten her family or friends. She avoids contention preferring to let the anger bottle up inside of her until she explodes at a moment’s notice. She loathes lack of control. Usually she’s just happy to be around, but change your plans on her at the last moment and this girl won’t be able to handle it. Her animated demeanor shrouds her anxiety.
She isn’t perfect, but she has a perfect understanding of who she is.
She is quick to laugh and easy to please. The mellowness of her nature disguises the depth of her mind. A 4.0 student, she finds herself enraptured with the eloquence of language and mysteries of the world. Quite frankly, she’s smart. She is a talented writer. Her mind absorbs the things she’s taught. She has the ability to recall what she has learned. She knows how to be proactive. Next to the gym, her family, and her religion, school is the only thing she’s truly dedicated to. Looking deeper, you see that her heart is full of good intentions.
Compassion is in her nature.
It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, what choices you’ve made, or what you look like. She won’t judge. Perhaps it comes from her fear of being judged herself, but she believes everyone deserves a fair chance.
She simply loves.
She loves life, her family, her God, her friends, and herself. She is a daughter of God. She revels in moments of unexpected adventure along the journey. Life has tossed her on the unrelenting waves of heartbreak and uncertainty, but she has learned to be a strong swimmer. Through it all she has grown closer to Christ and discovered true love and acceptance.
This is who she is.